i don't deserve it

i, once more, discovered something new in me today.

my friends and i were just went home from school and decided to hang out for a moment in Warung Kirana to have some meals. we ate and chatted for quite a long time, about 45 minutes, i guess. but, our conversation that afternoon was really shocked me, because i could tell my friends what i didn't even know before.

we were talking about faith - faith to God. this topic started when my friend, Windi, said that she wouldn't be permitted by her mom to go abroad to Canada if she doesn't have a strong enough faith. we laughed and shared what's on our mind with that: what are the risks if we don't have enough faith when we go abroad. my another friend, Desi, then shared her experience: how she likes the Church and never tired yet always likes to go to Church. I, next, told them how i don't like the atmosphere in the Church and prefer to praise the Lord in a more quiet place with less people.

and, this is what i discovered. after saying that to my friends, i continued saying that i never wanted to have a Confession. i don't want to because i think i don't deserve doing it. i don't even feel i deserve talking to God, praying to Him. worse, on the Easter Day, yesterday, exactly, i didn't have any feeling i usually have when i was taking the Bread and Wine. i didn't deserve it!

what a feeling >.< i feel so bad. i have too much sins. my heart is not clean enough, even it's too dirty, for the King.

However, i am not planning to repent; 'till i think i am ready and brave enough to change my life. it will be futile if i repent but i will make more sins soon.